some days i feel like i am on my last whim and want to scream it out on top of a mountain. i know i'm not the only person going through this in the world, but i tell you some days are definitely harder than others, and i don't even have it bad. i really shouldn't even be complaining.
some days i am so filled with joy that i, again, would want to shout it out on top of a mountain. just a lot of yelling around here! :)
but really, all-in-all i'm getting tired of doing the single-mom-living-with-her-parents-and-can't-afford-a-whole-lot bit. of course they tell me i can stay as long as i need to, but when is it too long? if i didn't have those dang student loans to pay, i could probably afford a house and a car. i'm still trying to believe that it all pays off! i do have a great job, so i would say for the most part, but paying these student loans sure takes a good chunk of my fun... again, i shouldn't complain, but i'm going to, dang it. :)
i'm about to start a find-me-a-date contest... but i'm afraid of what those results would be... i've had a good couple of conversations with older single women at work, and have enjoyed their knowledge and insight that they leave with me. i've also have been reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert, and there is a part in there that talks about her "friends" loneliness and depression. i also don't want those friends around any longer. they need to go on their (opposite of merry) little way. loneliness is what affects me most i think, which leads to sadness, but i don't know that i get severely depressed but just sad and frustrated. there is no room to plan for my future. what am i supposed to do in another few months when i'm STILL living with my parents lonely and sad? i'm feeling like this situation will never change, but still trying to be optimistic. man, that's a hard combo to overcome! it's so hard to know what to do and what realistic goals to set to keep moving forward. i just continue to feel stuck and am getting quite claustrophobic. one thing that is reiterated at my job quite a lot is that we have the choice to make. what we do is up to us. sometimes its a scary thought, but so true.
i CAN choose to be happy.
and even though i've acted opposite - fake it til you make it- or seemed to pretended to try, i'm going to make more of an effort because happiness and joy are more important friends to me than loneliness and depression. what is happening in my life doesn't define who i am, those choices are up to me. loneliness does NOT define me. i am surrounded by so many who love and care about me that it is crazy to think that i am even close to being lonely. plus, i have my heavenly father who loves me. what more could you ask for.
so here i am trying to patiently wait...
being perfectly lonely - because i don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me (thanks john mayer)
thanks to anyone out there listening to my
