i now have a FOUR year old.  that's right.  a 4 year old











p.s. i'm still single and living with the parents, but it's cool....

i feel so lame sometimes.... i started this blog hoping that once in a while i can update with some good, fun, dating etc and maybe someone out there would be able to relate to the process of dating as a single mom.  well, here i am, hardly dating and still totally single living with my parents.  so instead this blog can relate to those who are living at home and NOT dating.  but i'm really trying to figure it all out.  now i'm going to school and paying my student loans and day care plus phone, a little rent (very little) and credit card (very little on this too).  but the process of being able to move out on my own is pretty much not happening.  i have stopped making plans or goals which is frustrating for me, but i really am trying not to get too bent out of shape about it because i really don't see anything i can do about it.  maybe that's being pessimistic, but i feel like its being real.

my mind has been wandering a lot lately and i think it's because i've talked to people a little bit about my not-love-life and so when i lay down at night i have thought like "might as well cut my heart out cause i'm not going to need it anymore, well leave just enough for my son and i'll be good, at least that way i won't have any voids to fill" i mean, come on.  really?  those are the things i think about!  so i guess it may be said that i'm going through a little bit of depression?  i get so mad at myself because i don't even have it bad!  but i still sit in my self-pity and i was hoping i was getting past that.  so i'm just frustrated at myself.  i'm extra emotional and being awfully "female." GET A GRIP!

in the words of Adele:
i'm tired of trying,
your teasing ain't enough,
fed up of biding your time,
when i don't get nothing back

(it just seemed appropriate...)

i have so many thoughts going through my head right now, it is hard to pin them down and know how to clear it out.  i've been having a hard time sleeping because of it and i just don't know what to do with myself.  i continue to find myself in the same place.  frustrated and alone, but not wanting to be there.  i have increased my happiness and controlled that anger that i don't feel very often anymore.  now i just feel something like anxiousness and clutter.  when is my time going to come that i can do something different in my life?  move out, date, get a new car... nothing seems to be achievable right now and it drives me crazy.  i wouldn't say that i'm a control FREAK, but i do like to feel that i am in control of certain things and its frustrating because when i feel like i can't control these things, i feel like i can't control ANYTHING.  even though i know this isn't true, its definitely hard to keep your thought from going to this place.  i haven't had a major meltdown in a long time and that's saying something for me, but my thoughts are something that are definitely out of control lately.  they go so many places and i feel this is where the clutter feeling comes in.  i don't want to lose hope that one day, something will be different.  i am strong.  i am intuitive (for the most part i think), i can be beautiful by someone's opinion :) for beauty is only within the eye of the beholder, right?

but anyway, you see what i mean about clutter? ha

i try to distract myself with so many things but they always come back to am i good enough for someone.  well dang it, i say that i am.  i just don't know who that someone is yet.  i get reassured by the people around me that i'm right, am i right?  i feel like i play games in my mind that are so ridiculous and don't even matter - and it usually has to do with a boy or something or how i wish i had a reliable car or how i wish i could afford my own place and still feel comfortable about my income.  why do i feel like these things are ruling over my life?  i just want to let it all go and enjoy where i am in the now.  i want to experience what that happiness feels like.  i think i know, but i'm always worrying about something else.  its so lame.

i've been searching to have a better relationship with god to help me to find that patience and a clear mind.  my attitude has definitely improved and its a constant battle everyday.  it doesn't fix itself over night.  duh.  and it won't ever actually fix itself, its just the way that we deal with ourselves that gets fixed.  always working... but it does get easier with time.  i will be happy with myself and i will stop struggling with my thoughts.  one day.

i had a half written post a while ago... but alas, it never got published, so here i am again, attempting to update.

some days i feel like i am on my last whim and want to scream it out on top of a mountain.  i know i'm not the only person going through this in the world, but i tell you some days are definitely harder than others, and i don't even have it bad.  i really shouldn't even be complaining.

some days i am so filled with joy that i, again, would want to shout it out on top of a mountain.  just a lot of yelling around here!  :)

but really, all-in-all i'm getting tired of doing the single-mom-living-with-her-parents-and-can't-afford-a-whole-lot bit.  of course they tell me i can stay as long as i need to, but when is it too long?  if i didn't have those dang student loans to pay, i could probably afford a house and a car.  i'm still trying to believe that it all pays off!  i do have a great job, so i would say for the most part, but paying these student loans sure takes a good chunk of my fun... again, i shouldn't complain, but i'm going to, dang it.  :)

i'm about to start a find-me-a-date contest... but i'm afraid of what those results would be... i've had a good couple of conversations with older single women at work, and have enjoyed their knowledge and insight that they leave with me.  i've also have been reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert, and there is a part in there that talks about her "friends" loneliness and depression.  i also don't want those friends around any longer.  they need to go on their (opposite of merry) little way.  loneliness is what affects me most i think, which leads to sadness, but i don't know that i get severely depressed but just sad and frustrated.  there is no room to plan for my future.  what am i supposed to do in another few months when i'm STILL living with my parents lonely and sad?  i'm feeling like this situation will never change, but still trying to be optimistic.  man, that's a hard combo to overcome!  it's so hard to know what to do and what realistic goals to set to keep moving forward.  i just continue to feel stuck and am getting quite claustrophobic. one thing that is reiterated at my job quite a lot is that we have the choice to make.  what we do is up to us.  sometimes its a scary thought, but so true.

i CAN choose to be happy.

and even though i've acted opposite - fake it til you make it- or seemed to pretended to try, i'm going to make more of an effort because happiness and joy are more important friends to me than loneliness and depression.  what is happening in my life doesn't define who i am, those choices are up to me.  loneliness does NOT define me.  i am surrounded by so many who love and care about me that it is crazy to think that i am even close to being lonely.  plus, i have my heavenly father who loves me.  what more could you ask for.

so here i am trying to patiently wait...

being perfectly lonely - because i don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me (thanks john mayer)

thanks to anyone out there listening to my not-so-bad good life.

it's been a while since i posted on this blog, but things are just about the same as they usually are.  i'm a little more busy because it's softball season.  my kid gets to come with me a lot and sit through these practices and some games, but he usually does pretty good.  he gets bored, but what kid doesn't?  the single mom thing right now is kind of exhausting, but my parents are being a huge help. i feel like we haven't had a lot of time together this last week, but i guess it makes you appreciate the time you do have together a little more.  love that little guy.  he is growing up just way too fast.  after all my friends having babies too, i'm not going to lie gets me baby hungry... but first things first this time around!

in other news, i got to go on another date!  we tried to go bowling, but it was league night, so he didn't have to get his but kicked :) and grabbed a quick bite to eat and then went to the movies.  i felt like it went really well and we had really nice conversations.  he is super dreamy but there is one flaw... he lives forever away :(  ... i've known this guy since maybe 2003 so we've hung out before but we never really did any dating to say the least.  we hung out a little bit with friends, but not for very long because i went off to college across the country.  he got married and we haven't really seen each other since.  recently divorced now, but let me tell you, he got better with age.  he is just as handsome as ever and we have quite a bit in common, or so i felt like we did.  i didn't feel awkward moments and our conversations flowed nicely.  but you know, this is all from my perspective.  who knows what he was really thinking.  plus, it's not like we are heading any where close to a relationship.  he dates a lot, which is really good for him to be social and such.  i've just always really liked him and so it was really fun to get together and catch up.

but why, oh why does he have to live so far away?!  it would be really nice to have a friend like him around.  and why does that always seem to happen?  the ones that seem the best live the furthest away... oh well.  i mean, i'm not asking for anything more anyway, but you know :)

that great single awareness day is almost upon us and i'm still totally and utterly single... but you know what?  i don't really care this time.  the last 3 years i would probably get really depressed and say "oh valentine's day, blah blah blah" but something is different this year.  i don't really know what, but i've been happier lately and i think its a great thing.  nothing really has changed, but i think i've just been really working on my outlook on things and how i come across to other people.  i think i'm a more approachable person most of the time and the changes i've been making are good.  i've still only gone on 4 dates in the last 3 years, but who cares?  it's not my time yet obviously.  it is hard to wait around for something to happen, and i try not to do that, but you know.  i'm just really trying to look up... i think it's working

i watched (500) days of summer yesterday.  i thought it was a pretty good movie.  although, i couldn't help but think through it that i am probably never going to meet anyone... i sure hope that i'm wrong