i have so many thoughts going through my head right now, it is hard to pin them down and know how to clear it out.  i've been having a hard time sleeping because of it and i just don't know what to do with myself.  i continue to find myself in the same place.  frustrated and alone, but not wanting to be there.  i have increased my happiness and controlled that anger that i don't feel very often anymore.  now i just feel something like anxiousness and clutter.  when is my time going to come that i can do something different in my life?  move out, date, get a new car... nothing seems to be achievable right now and it drives me crazy.  i wouldn't say that i'm a control FREAK, but i do like to feel that i am in control of certain things and its frustrating because when i feel like i can't control these things, i feel like i can't control ANYTHING.  even though i know this isn't true, its definitely hard to keep your thought from going to this place.  i haven't had a major meltdown in a long time and that's saying something for me, but my thoughts are something that are definitely out of control lately.  they go so many places and i feel this is where the clutter feeling comes in.  i don't want to lose hope that one day, something will be different.  i am strong.  i am intuitive (for the most part i think), i can be beautiful by someone's opinion :) for beauty is only within the eye of the beholder, right?

but anyway, you see what i mean about clutter? ha

i try to distract myself with so many things but they always come back to am i good enough for someone.  well dang it, i say that i am.  i just don't know who that someone is yet.  i get reassured by the people around me that i'm right, am i right?  i feel like i play games in my mind that are so ridiculous and don't even matter - and it usually has to do with a boy or something or how i wish i had a reliable car or how i wish i could afford my own place and still feel comfortable about my income.  why do i feel like these things are ruling over my life?  i just want to let it all go and enjoy where i am in the now.  i want to experience what that happiness feels like.  i think i know, but i'm always worrying about something else.  its so lame.

i've been searching to have a better relationship with god to help me to find that patience and a clear mind.  my attitude has definitely improved and its a constant battle everyday.  it doesn't fix itself over night.  duh.  and it won't ever actually fix itself, its just the way that we deal with ourselves that gets fixed.  always working... but it does get easier with time.  i will be happy with myself and i will stop struggling with my thoughts.  one day.