it's these kinds of day that i really wish that i had a partner - not that i really expect him to do anything, but you know, the wishful thinking is there.  my guy is just being the BIGGEST TURD ever!  nothing i do is right, apparently, because he tells me or yells "no, not like that!" and starts crying about the stupidest things.  he's pooped in his underwear twice (and once in his diaper) and he's been in day care most of the day!  not too mention - one of those times i was taking off his pants and he was falling, and, yep, his butt fell right into my hand... disgusting.  i feel bad getting so frustrated with him because a lot of it isn't his fault, i mean, i deal with teenage girls all day, plus i've been over emotional - i usually do around the holidays i think.  but when he just doesn't cooperate and it's been going on for a few days... grrr i just want to have that guy in my life that will just take him away from me for a few moments.  i'm really trying to stay patient, but i admit, i'm not the greatest at it all the time.  i have yelled back a couple times already today.  i really need to find myself something to get me some me time, cause i think i could really use that right now!  :( ugh.

"ugh" pretty much sums up how i've been feeling lately.  i'm a little bored.  i'm a little frustrated.  i'm a little annoyed.  i'm a little tired.  i'm a little stressed.  i'm never as happy as i want to be.  i wish that some things didn't matter so much.

i always say that i shouldn't complain because my life is extremely better than a lot of people's, so why is it so hard for me to find the happiness that they do?  i guess i need a serious attitude adjustment.  it's not like i'm sad all the time or don't know how to have fun and express my happiness, because i do.  but it just seems like the smiley, happy-go-lucky person that i used to be doesn't seem to exist very often.  there is so much in my life to be grateful for.

i've been doing the single mom thing for a little over 3 years now.  i've thought for a while that maybe this is how it's supposed to be.  but i know it's not.  i don't want to be alone forever.  but does god have that plan for me?  what is going to happen?! how long do i have to wait? or is it seriously ever going to happen that i won't be a single mom?  i want more kids, i want to share my life with someone special.  but where the heck is he?  i feel like the life i'm living right now is a settle for what i really want, but i don't know how to get there and i know i can't do it alone.

i know these are ridiculous questions, and i'm just rambling.  there is no way to tell what is really going to happen. i really do have it good.  i really don't want to complain, but i guess i already have....