one of the many things that i have done throughout my life is take on a lot of things at once. i've always been an active person and all through high school, i was active in extracurricular activities all the time. i think that once my parents got a divorce, i started to get involved - and that was back in 7th grade. for me it was a good escape and a good stress reliever. i played 3 sports throughout high school and was in band until my sophomore year - spent 5 years as a trumpet player. but not only were sports a good escape and stress reliever, it was also a distraction from certain things that were going on in my life. its the way that i've coped for a long time. there were times where i found myself overwhelmed, so i've learned to balance myself - most of the time - and not over do it. this has been a constant in my life as now i'm working, schooling, and coaching, plus being a mom... seems like a lot, but i would rather have my life a little busy than not having much to do. that's when i get the most stuck and down. i got into a lot of ruts when i wasn't working and would spend a lot of the day in my pajamas. i am so glad that i was able to find a job and get myself going in the mornings. i feel so much more productive and it has helped me become a better mom and value more the time i get to spend with my son. i still feel inadequate a lot of the time, but i think i'm doing my best. i get to go to a coaching class tonight so its nice that my parents are willing to watch the little man for me. i've also heard that being a life-long learner helps you stay young :) coincidentally, i learned in my class that the more activities a student is involved in, its proven that they tend to have a higher grade point average. maybe thats why i'm such a nerdy jock...

i hate feeling this way because there is so much good in my life. my son is one of the best behaved kids - of course he has his moments, but who doesn't? he's so cute and loving. i have great family and friends and a job that i actually enjoy going to. i have a lot of help and support through family and friends. so why do i focus on the negatives so much? i guess its because its just there. i think its human nature to see the negative rather than the positive. that's how i was all through my athletic careers. there's always something to improve on and nothing ever really seems good enough. i'm going to try to do better to focus on the positive because i know that its there. put your best foot forward right?

wow, i have issues! i just had a good night with some friends and a bbq. there is this one friend in particular that i have that i actually dated quite a few years ago - out of high school. we spent the night chatting with friends, then caught the end of empire records and goonies at another friends house, just to hang out and spend some time with them. my son was with us for the bbq, but stayed with grandma and grandpa while we watched some movies. afterwards we sat and had quite a long conversation. we have given the thought of trying things again, but sometimes it is so hard to move forward in these types of relationships. and for me, lets just say that i'm a mess. i broke down with him but i feel like it was a good couple of hours that we spent together. nothing really got said and if something happens between us, we're not going to force it and it will happen for a reason. but i was brought to attention that when - or if (cause that's how i truly feel, if) - i get married, that i'll have to cooperate with my husband, cause i'll want him to be a dad for my son also, on all the decisions regarding the child. i'm so used to doing everything myself that the issues go even deeper than i thought. he said, if i was married to you then i would have an opinion in all of these things like even his hair-cuts. for some reason that just got to me. i've been able to raise him how i want to with no one else's opinions mattering so much. yeah, i take in a lot of advice especially from family, but i ultimately have had the final say. i have a lot further to go than i thought.... will i ever be ready?

so i feel a little more emotionally stable today. although the kid decided to wake up earlier than he had all week - go figure! sometimes i feel like i just can't catch a break :) i guess i've decided to keep my plate full going to school full time, working almost full time and being a mom full time. it doesn't seem like a lot but it sure can wear you out!!!

on another note, why is it that some days it seems like your child is trying to drive you crazy? :) love him though, of course

today has been one of those days... really its been one of those weeks. i don't know if unmotivated is the right word, but i've been feeling pretty blah. i think that it is a mixture of things. it might have something to do with the fact that my child's "sperm donor" moves freely across the country from chicago to california without batting his eye and he even moves to my own home town - the place i spent 13 years of my life living and so much time visiting the great place, ventura - now every time i go i have to think of that a-hole being there. this isn't the only reason i'm down. he doesn't control my emotions, although, no matter how much i tell myself i'm over the hurt he put me though, its always going to be there. the rest of my life. i think that when i find out things about it, emotions come right back to the surface. even if it is subsided, deep down its going to hurt. so tonight, i will say that my heart is hurting. and don't worry, i've gotten all of my information from facebook! haha... i've also found myself in a position where, as much as i appreciate what my parents have done for me in the last 2 1/2 years, taking me back in and loving me just the same - i would really love to move out. every time i walk into the room that my boy and i share, i feel like its gotten smaller from the moment before. feeling that independence of being out on my own is something that i enjoyed for 5 years before i got pregnant and needed a place to go. and to think of the madness of me 2 years ago thinking that i could have stuck somewhere closer to indiana so that he could have possibly been involved in his own child's life. good riddance. as you can tell i still have a lot of anger. its a good thing that i have such great family to listen and support me through all of these times. money is always a stress - in mine and other's lives as we all know - i look down the road and think about moving out and paying rent, bills, toddler expenses, student loans, car expenses - cause the one i'm using isn't in the best shape, but it still runs pretty good, and lets not forget about food, and wonder - how the heck am i going to accomplish this task? marry rich? :) i know it's not impossible.... i did find a job, lucky me! and its somewhere that i enjoy working so that definitely is a plus. just finding a job now-a-days is a difficult task on its own! i am going to really sit down and analyze a budget for myself based on my income and i think that if i give myself an allotted amount then maybe i can even set some aside.

please don't get me wrong, i don't want to sound like i feel like i have a bad life. sometimes its just nice to vent and get these things off of my chest. everyone has their struggles and mine aren't anything compared to some. i was blessed with the most beautiful boy and wouldn't take any of these moments back. i don't have any regrets. i definitely - more and more - believe that everything happens for a reason. i'm just having a hard time focusing on the positive when i see so much negative. i really want to be a great mom and am feeling a bit inadequate - i don't feel like i'm giving him the quality time that he deserves. my creative ideas seem to come up short. there is a lot i want to get figured out. maybe someone just needs to give me a big kick in the pants...