today has been one of those days... really its been one of those weeks. i don't know if unmotivated is the right word, but i've been feeling pretty blah. i think that it is a mixture of things. it might have something to do with the fact that my child's "sperm donor" moves freely across the country from chicago to california without batting his eye and he even moves to my own home town - the place i spent 13 years of my life living and so much time visiting the great place, ventura - now every time i go i have to think of that a-hole being there. this isn't the only reason i'm down. he doesn't control my emotions, although, no matter how much i tell myself i'm over the hurt he put me though, its always going to be there. the rest of my life. i think that when i find out things about it, emotions come right back to the surface. even if it is subsided, deep down its going to hurt. so tonight, i will say that my heart is hurting. and don't worry, i've gotten all of my information from facebook! haha... i've also found myself in a position where, as much as i appreciate what my parents have done for me in the last 2 1/2 years, taking me back in and loving me just the same - i would really love to move out. every time i walk into the room that my boy and i share, i feel like its gotten smaller from the moment before. feeling that independence of being out on my own is something that i enjoyed for 5 years before i got pregnant and needed a place to go. and to think of the madness of me 2 years ago thinking that i could have stuck somewhere closer to indiana so that he could have possibly been involved in his own child's life. good riddance. as you can tell i still have a lot of anger. its a good thing that i have such great family to listen and support me through all of these times. money is always a stress - in mine and other's lives as we all know - i look down the road and think about moving out and paying rent, bills, toddler expenses, student loans, car expenses - cause the one i'm using isn't in the best shape, but it still runs pretty good, and lets not forget about food, and wonder - how the heck am i going to accomplish this task? marry rich? :) i know it's not impossible.... i did find a job, lucky me! and its somewhere that i enjoy working so that definitely is a plus. just finding a job now-a-days is a difficult task on its own! i am going to really sit down and analyze a budget for myself based on my income and i think that if i give myself an allotted amount then maybe i can even set some aside.

please don't get me wrong, i don't want to sound like i feel like i have a bad life. sometimes its just nice to vent and get these things off of my chest. everyone has their struggles and mine aren't anything compared to some. i was blessed with the most beautiful boy and wouldn't take any of these moments back. i don't have any regrets. i definitely - more and more - believe that everything happens for a reason. i'm just having a hard time focusing on the positive when i see so much negative. i really want to be a great mom and am feeling a bit inadequate - i don't feel like i'm giving him the quality time that he deserves. my creative ideas seem to come up short. there is a lot i want to get figured out. maybe someone just needs to give me a big kick in the pants...