after debating my desire i had a good conversation with my mom. i talked about my frustration and she validated how i felt so it was a way to at least get it off my chest. i came to the conclusion that i definitely have the desire to date. i may be out of the loop a little bit and hopefully when i do finally get to go dating i don't make a complete fool out of myself, but nonetheless, i wouldn't mind jumping in with two feet and giving it a shot once in a while. the problem is where the heck am i going to find guys to date around here?! there really isn't anywhere to go meet people, i mean, i walk around the grocery store, but for heaven's sake i already know everyone there! haha. okay maybe not everyone, but most of the people my age spending time at the grocery store already have a family. plus if there were anyone worth paying attention too and they see me, if i'm without my child, i'm way too young or if i'm with him, i'm most likely married. i know i have all of these excuses why my so-called love life isn't working out... and really i make it sound more dire than it really is. i'm really in no hurry to get married. however, it does play a big role in my life. i am focused on work and being a mom and i'm okay with that. "one day my prince will come" it just won't happen in a 2 hour time slot like on the disney channel :)

my situation as a single mom is really nothing to complain about. i live with my parents who are usually more than happy to help out when i need it and they never complain about it. of course my child is one of those that makes it easy to be with him and they truly enjoy watching him and laughing at him every moment they're with him. i always say that he makes my life easier being the good boy that he is. even when he has a melt down, he's bearable. anyway, the reason i bring this up is i really don't get out very much. i feel bad asking my parents for help when they already have let us live with him for 3 years! i know they don't mind but, you know. anyway, last night i went 4-wheeling with a guy friend with out the kid and it is nice to have a little break when most of the time its just me and the little man. i don't really know where i'm getting at with this post... last night was fun but i had a strange feeling through out the night. the guy i went out with is always a lot of fun to hang out with and we had actually dated for a while out of high school. we always have good conversations. last night was no exception. we haven't hung out for quite some time (like last night was the first time in 2010). and i wonder if i've actually lost my desire. he asked me that last night and i didn't think i had. but hanging out with him it was a question that stuck out in my mind. have i lost my desire to even try? or is it really that there are no single guys left in southern utah besides this friend that i have right here? where else would i go? i then had the feeling of being stuck. where are you supposed to go to meet these men? i tried match.com for a few months. and really? 48 year old from new york, new york, you're intrigued? it was really hard to take it seriously. anyway, as i blab on i still don't know where i'm going with this, but i guess i'm a little frustrated and feel like i am just going to be stuck here with the little man for a while. hopefully i'll try to find somewhere to move out to soon and maybe feel like i'm branching out a little bit. i didn't want to get the feeling of being lost because i thought i was past that, but i guess i'm still there once in a while... okay i think i'm done blabbing this nonsense!!! :)

there has been a lot going on in the last few months. really a lot of hard work has paid off for somethings. i was offered a position at my work that gets me benefits and puts me on a full time schedule!! and it came at a good time because a very disappointing softball season has just ended. yesterday. i started my teaching job at a private school this last monday and am so excited about where i am. softball always keeps me so so busy and it's a relief when it's over, but sad to see my senior girls go. but when i hang out with teenage girls literally all day, its nice to get a break from an evening of more teenage girls, although i will miss them because they were a great bunch. so as a single mom, my child gets to come to practice with me almost every day but my parents are so great about taking him on game days and it really helped me out a lot. now that it's over, i'm either going to find an apartment or a car or both, now that i'm getting paid a little better too :) yeah! all of my education and hard work is resulting in some great stuff. very grateful today!