i watched (500) days of summer yesterday.  i thought it was a pretty good movie.  although, i couldn't help but think through it that i am probably never going to meet anyone... i sure hope that i'm wrong

the last couple of years i've had a really hard time getting into the "spirit" of the holidays.  i've been so bah humbug about it but yet really want to make it exciting for my child and for me! it is very frustrating to know that i feel this way.  i hope that it will change once some family comes around because my brother is coming in from missouri.  also i'm mostly anticipating the birth of my niece or nephew!  i'm just so excited for that.

i also just can't help but think that part of it is that i've been so single the last couple of years and just wouldn't mind sharing the holidays with someone else special.  i really do love the holidays.  i'm really going to try to make this holiday about Christ for my child because he is now old enough to kind of at least understand a little bit.  anyway.  i hope that i can break this 3-year funk through the holidays and make this one a special one for my little family.  Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!  hope that your is magical.

it's these kinds of day that i really wish that i had a partner - not that i really expect him to do anything, but you know, the wishful thinking is there.  my guy is just being the BIGGEST TURD ever!  nothing i do is right, apparently, because he tells me or yells "no, not like that!" and starts crying about the stupidest things.  he's pooped in his underwear twice (and once in his diaper) and he's been in day care most of the day!  not too mention - one of those times i was taking off his pants and he was falling, and, yep, his butt fell right into my hand... disgusting.  i feel bad getting so frustrated with him because a lot of it isn't his fault, i mean, i deal with teenage girls all day, plus i've been over emotional - i usually do around the holidays i think.  but when he just doesn't cooperate and it's been going on for a few days... grrr i just want to have that guy in my life that will just take him away from me for a few moments.  i'm really trying to stay patient, but i admit, i'm not the greatest at it all the time.  i have yelled back a couple times already today.  i really need to find myself something to get me some me time, cause i think i could really use that right now!  :( ugh.

"ugh" pretty much sums up how i've been feeling lately.  i'm a little bored.  i'm a little frustrated.  i'm a little annoyed.  i'm a little tired.  i'm a little stressed.  i'm never as happy as i want to be.  i wish that some things didn't matter so much.

i always say that i shouldn't complain because my life is extremely better than a lot of people's, so why is it so hard for me to find the happiness that they do?  i guess i need a serious attitude adjustment.  it's not like i'm sad all the time or don't know how to have fun and express my happiness, because i do.  but it just seems like the smiley, happy-go-lucky person that i used to be doesn't seem to exist very often.  there is so much in my life to be grateful for.

i've been doing the single mom thing for a little over 3 years now.  i've thought for a while that maybe this is how it's supposed to be.  but i know it's not.  i don't want to be alone forever.  but does god have that plan for me?  what is going to happen?! how long do i have to wait? or is it seriously ever going to happen that i won't be a single mom?  i want more kids, i want to share my life with someone special.  but where the heck is he?  i feel like the life i'm living right now is a settle for what i really want, but i don't know how to get there and i know i can't do it alone.

i know these are ridiculous questions, and i'm just rambling.  there is no way to tell what is really going to happen. i really do have it good.  i really don't want to complain, but i guess i already have....

well, it has been an emotional roller coaster this weekend.  had some more heartbreaking news this morning.  and this time it is definitely more serious.  the company that i work for was going on a trip to moab, but on the way one of the vehicles lost control.  it was a fatal accident and so i ask you today, tonight, tomorrow, etc. to please pray for this family to receive comfort.  please pray for those girls and those families who are involved that they can find peace.  my heart is sorrowed and my prayers go out...

i had some heart-breaking news last night... one of my greatest friends in the world is getting married in november, and that means that our plan to get married when we're both 30 and single is foiled! (that's not all the heart breaking news, but i'll keep that stuff to myself)  too bad i bawled and bawled last night...

on another note, you know what is never easy for me?  telling someone that you're not interested in them romantically... especially when you want to find a special guy and the guy is so nice, but just so not what you're looking for.  i feel like a jerk, but it is always so much better to be honest and upfront about these things.  it sucks, but i do feel better about the situation.  we went out tonight anyway after i told him i just wasn't interested in him that way, and it wasn't awkward or anything.  we went to dinner and a concert up in springdale (evolution - they are a local reggae band and pretty dang good too) you can check them out on facebook if you'd like.  but anyway.  it was nice to be social and run into some old friends from high school too. yeah for doing something on saturday night besides sitting at home on my lazy butt.  things are looking up, right? guess we'll see... i am starting to feel more and more like my old self again, so that's good.

so i had another date... finally! he wasn't my first choice - but beggars can't be choosers, can they? i have been choosy, not that i've had a lot to choose from, but the guys that have been fortunate enough to take me out - haha jk - i haven't been all that interested in... i mean, it's a date and you need to give it a shot right? and why is it the ones that you thought were going to be good aren't interested in you?  i think i'm destined to be with a dorky nerd type, but do i have to?  i mean, i know i am one myself, but i guess we all dream for the "tall dark and handsome" bit.  well the last one was tall - really tall.  and really nice.  but i just wasn't feeling it.  he's a bit older than i am and has a few kids... but i don't think that was why.  maybe i'm just being too picky.  idk... he's already  wanting another date - and we're going with all the kids out tomorrow... why not right? the bishop did recommend him - as for other news, we've been going to church.  and it's been going pretty good. the little one has been great and seems to even love to be there.  good for us!

so as a single mom, something i kind of dreaded was going to church, or so that was my excuse.  the last couple of months i've been going pretty consistently and my child has actually been doing quite great in comparison.  i'm glad he makes things easy sometimes.  and he loves playing with other kids!  he has become quite the social butterfly - unlike me.  i mean, i get along with people really easy, but until i get to know someone i'm actually pretty shy.  so that doesn't really help my social situation either!  and now my bishop is ready to start matchmaking me and i just don't know how i feel about it.  the one he has mentioned asked me out this last weekend, and i'm still in the "why not" attitude so why not?  i wasn't available this weekend, but i'm sure we'll do something soon.  even though i already kind of know how i feel about him - or think i know, there's no reason not to give it a shot anyway.  i mean i seriously have been on two dates in the last year - well really last 3 years, but the first year and a half to two years, i really wasn't ready to date.  so here i am... i guess i'm ready now, but i think i need to stop looking.  isn't that when they start finding you?  i don't know.  being single in southern utah doesn't really work out so great.

there are so many things i feel like giving up on

1. getting my child to bed at a decent time

2. meeting ANYBODY - new friends, love, etc.

3. keeping a clean room

4. owning a bigger car

5. owning or renting a house

6. so-on and so-forth

but i'm really trying to stay positive about it. but i'll tell ya, it's definitely not always easy! its not like i have it bad. i have a great job with benefits even and i really am not struggling financially at the moment. my child is so wonderful - i mean really, he's a doll! he is getting into the "independent, let-me-do-everything-myself" phase, which is frustrating at times because of the fits he throws when there is something he really can't do, but he is so much fun that i still can't complain. i am extremely grateful for the things that i do have in my life, so why does it seem like the things that are missing are such a big deal? one day i know i'll reach that blissful happiness that i think i deserve. but for now i guess i'll be semi-blissfully happy :)

i looked back at a couple of my old posts where i said i was so busy. i guess i don't really know how not to be busy. right now i'm bored. i've been able to think way too about my life and what i'm doing. my social life sucks. i wish i could go out of town every weekend so i didn't have to think about how i don't even really have that many friends. my sister is my best friend hence the reason i head to california most of the time. i do have some friends here, but they have families and take their own trips and i sure as heck don't expect them to stay home just to entertain me cause i'm not able to entertain myself!!! haha oh well, guess i'll figure it out :)

after debating my desire i had a good conversation with my mom. i talked about my frustration and she validated how i felt so it was a way to at least get it off my chest. i came to the conclusion that i definitely have the desire to date. i may be out of the loop a little bit and hopefully when i do finally get to go dating i don't make a complete fool out of myself, but nonetheless, i wouldn't mind jumping in with two feet and giving it a shot once in a while. the problem is where the heck am i going to find guys to date around here?! there really isn't anywhere to go meet people, i mean, i walk around the grocery store, but for heaven's sake i already know everyone there! haha. okay maybe not everyone, but most of the people my age spending time at the grocery store already have a family. plus if there were anyone worth paying attention too and they see me, if i'm without my child, i'm way too young or if i'm with him, i'm most likely married. i know i have all of these excuses why my so-called love life isn't working out... and really i make it sound more dire than it really is. i'm really in no hurry to get married. however, it does play a big role in my life. i am focused on work and being a mom and i'm okay with that. "one day my prince will come" it just won't happen in a 2 hour time slot like on the disney channel :)

my situation as a single mom is really nothing to complain about. i live with my parents who are usually more than happy to help out when i need it and they never complain about it. of course my child is one of those that makes it easy to be with him and they truly enjoy watching him and laughing at him every moment they're with him. i always say that he makes my life easier being the good boy that he is. even when he has a melt down, he's bearable. anyway, the reason i bring this up is i really don't get out very much. i feel bad asking my parents for help when they already have let us live with him for 3 years! i know they don't mind but, you know. anyway, last night i went 4-wheeling with a guy friend with out the kid and it is nice to have a little break when most of the time its just me and the little man. i don't really know where i'm getting at with this post... last night was fun but i had a strange feeling through out the night. the guy i went out with is always a lot of fun to hang out with and we had actually dated for a while out of high school. we always have good conversations. last night was no exception. we haven't hung out for quite some time (like last night was the first time in 2010). and i wonder if i've actually lost my desire. he asked me that last night and i didn't think i had. but hanging out with him it was a question that stuck out in my mind. have i lost my desire to even try? or is it really that there are no single guys left in southern utah besides this friend that i have right here? where else would i go? i then had the feeling of being stuck. where are you supposed to go to meet these men? i tried match.com for a few months. and really? 48 year old from new york, new york, you're intrigued? it was really hard to take it seriously. anyway, as i blab on i still don't know where i'm going with this, but i guess i'm a little frustrated and feel like i am just going to be stuck here with the little man for a while. hopefully i'll try to find somewhere to move out to soon and maybe feel like i'm branching out a little bit. i didn't want to get the feeling of being lost because i thought i was past that, but i guess i'm still there once in a while... okay i think i'm done blabbing this nonsense!!! :)

there has been a lot going on in the last few months. really a lot of hard work has paid off for somethings. i was offered a position at my work that gets me benefits and puts me on a full time schedule!! and it came at a good time because a very disappointing softball season has just ended. yesterday. i started my teaching job at a private school this last monday and am so excited about where i am. softball always keeps me so so busy and it's a relief when it's over, but sad to see my senior girls go. but when i hang out with teenage girls literally all day, its nice to get a break from an evening of more teenage girls, although i will miss them because they were a great bunch. so as a single mom, my child gets to come to practice with me almost every day but my parents are so great about taking him on game days and it really helped me out a lot. now that it's over, i'm either going to find an apartment or a car or both, now that i'm getting paid a little better too :) yeah! all of my education and hard work is resulting in some great stuff. very grateful today!

at the risk of sounding desperate...
i'm ready for a boyfriend....


that is all.

oh boy! have i been a busy girl. i am a few days away from completing my class which is the last one! i then will be able to get a master's degree diploma!! yeah for me! i cannot believe that it has been 2 years since i started. i've also taken on another job, so really i'm technically working 3 jobs right now. i work at a custom apparel place, which is really boring right now because its the off season, however, they are picking up a little. i also work at a treatment facility for girl's that are having a hard home life and i'm getting the hang of that job pretty well. i work the jobs every other day and so when it starts getting really busy at the custom apparel place, they will probably have to look at hiring someone else, because, let's face it, i'm going to stick with where they pay me better... sorry backstreet... you were fun... and softball season is just around the corner, so there's my 3rd job. and let my tell you that it is a job, although fun, it is stressful and takes up a LOT of time. but the girl's are fun and let's hope that i can coach us to a couple of wins because i will be the head!! wow... that's weird cause now i'll get blamed for everything haha. anyway.

i was talking to that guy that i went on a date with back in september the other day and was telling him how at peace i was with how i am with being the single mom with the father not involved and realized how ready i am to move on with my life. although its a little hard right now with how busy i am... and he's most likely out of the question because he lives all the way in DC now... not that i thought... nevermind... he is a nice friend to talk to. i've let go of so much in the last 2 years and have gained such a perspective on my life and where i want to be. i've always been one to kind of go with the flow and although its worked for me it can also lead me to trouble. so here i am now. not really able to afford moving out on my own quite yet, although i've been looking, i'm not dating anyone, which is sometimes frustrating just cause i would like some of that social interaction once in a while, and maybe a little kissing here and there... what? :) my student loans are coming up very soon which is scary because i really don't have a super high paying job to take care of that, but i'll figure it out. now is a good time to meet my sugar daddy, haha. but really it would be... so that's really where i'm at right now. not a lot of different things are happening because i'm just too busy for it too. and feel extremely exhausted by the time i get home, even though i'm really trying not to be. but especially this week cause i've worked 10 days in a row with 3 more days to go before i get a lowly 1 day off... but that's besides the point. i'm healthy and so is my boy so that's something to be happy about. speaking of happiness... i don't really know where to find that any more. i have my good and bad days, and am really trying not to be the grouch... but i guess its with the territory....

that's enough blabbing. i think i know what i need to do with my life and figuring out how to accomplish it is another thing. once i get that figured out then i'll be good to go!!! well there's my update on my for now.... here's to trying to not be single for too much longer in this life, i'm ready for ♥ so bring it on :) (ps i'm even on match.com... is that desperation? i don't think so hahaha)