the last couple of years i've had a really hard time getting into the "spirit" of the holidays.  i've been so bah humbug about it but yet really want to make it exciting for my child and for me! it is very frustrating to know that i feel this way.  i hope that it will change once some family comes around because my brother is coming in from missouri.  also i'm mostly anticipating the birth of my niece or nephew!  i'm just so excited for that.

i also just can't help but think that part of it is that i've been so single the last couple of years and just wouldn't mind sharing the holidays with someone else special.  i really do love the holidays.  i'm really going to try to make this holiday about Christ for my child because he is now old enough to kind of at least understand a little bit.  anyway.  i hope that i can break this 3-year funk through the holidays and make this one a special one for my little family.  Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!  hope that your is magical.

it's these kinds of day that i really wish that i had a partner - not that i really expect him to do anything, but you know, the wishful thinking is there.  my guy is just being the BIGGEST TURD ever!  nothing i do is right, apparently, because he tells me or yells "no, not like that!" and starts crying about the stupidest things.  he's pooped in his underwear twice (and once in his diaper) and he's been in day care most of the day!  not too mention - one of those times i was taking off his pants and he was falling, and, yep, his butt fell right into my hand... disgusting.  i feel bad getting so frustrated with him because a lot of it isn't his fault, i mean, i deal with teenage girls all day, plus i've been over emotional - i usually do around the holidays i think.  but when he just doesn't cooperate and it's been going on for a few days... grrr i just want to have that guy in my life that will just take him away from me for a few moments.  i'm really trying to stay patient, but i admit, i'm not the greatest at it all the time.  i have yelled back a couple times already today.  i really need to find myself something to get me some me time, cause i think i could really use that right now!  :( ugh.

"ugh" pretty much sums up how i've been feeling lately.  i'm a little bored.  i'm a little frustrated.  i'm a little annoyed.  i'm a little tired.  i'm a little stressed.  i'm never as happy as i want to be.  i wish that some things didn't matter so much.

i always say that i shouldn't complain because my life is extremely better than a lot of people's, so why is it so hard for me to find the happiness that they do?  i guess i need a serious attitude adjustment.  it's not like i'm sad all the time or don't know how to have fun and express my happiness, because i do.  but it just seems like the smiley, happy-go-lucky person that i used to be doesn't seem to exist very often.  there is so much in my life to be grateful for.

i've been doing the single mom thing for a little over 3 years now.  i've thought for a while that maybe this is how it's supposed to be.  but i know it's not.  i don't want to be alone forever.  but does god have that plan for me?  what is going to happen?! how long do i have to wait? or is it seriously ever going to happen that i won't be a single mom?  i want more kids, i want to share my life with someone special.  but where the heck is he?  i feel like the life i'm living right now is a settle for what i really want, but i don't know how to get there and i know i can't do it alone.

i know these are ridiculous questions, and i'm just rambling.  there is no way to tell what is really going to happen. i really do have it good.  i really don't want to complain, but i guess i already have....

well, it has been an emotional roller coaster this weekend.  had some more heartbreaking news this morning.  and this time it is definitely more serious.  the company that i work for was going on a trip to moab, but on the way one of the vehicles lost control.  it was a fatal accident and so i ask you today, tonight, tomorrow, etc. to please pray for this family to receive comfort.  please pray for those girls and those families who are involved that they can find peace.  my heart is sorrowed and my prayers go out...

i had some heart-breaking news last night... one of my greatest friends in the world is getting married in november, and that means that our plan to get married when we're both 30 and single is foiled! (that's not all the heart breaking news, but i'll keep that stuff to myself)  too bad i bawled and bawled last night...

on another note, you know what is never easy for me?  telling someone that you're not interested in them romantically... especially when you want to find a special guy and the guy is so nice, but just so not what you're looking for.  i feel like a jerk, but it is always so much better to be honest and upfront about these things.  it sucks, but i do feel better about the situation.  we went out tonight anyway after i told him i just wasn't interested in him that way, and it wasn't awkward or anything.  we went to dinner and a concert up in springdale (evolution - they are a local reggae band and pretty dang good too) you can check them out on facebook if you'd like.  but anyway.  it was nice to be social and run into some old friends from high school too. yeah for doing something on saturday night besides sitting at home on my lazy butt.  things are looking up, right? guess we'll see... i am starting to feel more and more like my old self again, so that's good.

so i had another date... finally! he wasn't my first choice - but beggars can't be choosers, can they? i have been choosy, not that i've had a lot to choose from, but the guys that have been fortunate enough to take me out - haha jk - i haven't been all that interested in... i mean, it's a date and you need to give it a shot right? and why is it the ones that you thought were going to be good aren't interested in you?  i think i'm destined to be with a dorky nerd type, but do i have to?  i mean, i know i am one myself, but i guess we all dream for the "tall dark and handsome" bit.  well the last one was tall - really tall.  and really nice.  but i just wasn't feeling it.  he's a bit older than i am and has a few kids... but i don't think that was why.  maybe i'm just being too picky.  idk... he's already  wanting another date - and we're going with all the kids out tomorrow... why not right? the bishop did recommend him - as for other news, we've been going to church.  and it's been going pretty good. the little one has been great and seems to even love to be there.  good for us!

so as a single mom, something i kind of dreaded was going to church, or so that was my excuse.  the last couple of months i've been going pretty consistently and my child has actually been doing quite great in comparison.  i'm glad he makes things easy sometimes.  and he loves playing with other kids!  he has become quite the social butterfly - unlike me.  i mean, i get along with people really easy, but until i get to know someone i'm actually pretty shy.  so that doesn't really help my social situation either!  and now my bishop is ready to start matchmaking me and i just don't know how i feel about it.  the one he has mentioned asked me out this last weekend, and i'm still in the "why not" attitude so why not?  i wasn't available this weekend, but i'm sure we'll do something soon.  even though i already kind of know how i feel about him - or think i know, there's no reason not to give it a shot anyway.  i mean i seriously have been on two dates in the last year - well really last 3 years, but the first year and a half to two years, i really wasn't ready to date.  so here i am... i guess i'm ready now, but i think i need to stop looking.  isn't that when they start finding you?  i don't know.  being single in southern utah doesn't really work out so great.